Seeing Past the Signs - Things May Not Be as Advertised

At first glance you might be thinking this will be a post directed at shopping in Second Life or Marketplace. I want you to realize right off the bat that this isn't the direction at all. Bear with me and let me set things up. It will all become quite clear.

I have spent a lot of time studying human nature in Real Life and Second Life and some things have been very clear to me. Much like the Great and Powerful Oz used all his antics to make himself look like something he wasn't people in life find ways to distract you from their true human nature by creating hijinks of their own. Much like the curtain was pulled down before Oz I want to take a few minutes to talk about the smoke screens people use to create a slight of hand to distract you from the real truth.

Many times if you look in someones profile you can read these cues right away. I have read a lot of profiles. Alatrina and I often talk while we are dancing about what someone writes to describe themselves. When we are at a dance club that can be quite the source of amusement. If it's in their profile it's easy, but often cue words come up in what people say as well. When you learn to listen in conversations you will hear things that people are trying to sell you on while they are tucking the bad aspects of their human nature behind their back or up their sleeve.

Does this make me a cynical person for looking for these things in a person's behavior? It is said in the Social Sciences that over 90 percent of the person's message will be revealed by body language. Second Life has pretty much removed that aspect of another person and their message so you have very little to go by to determine the actual message. This is why I pay attention to some details, or cues. Being in sales for many years in addition to studying Psychology has made seeing some of this more easy for me. It bothers me when someone gets hurt because they were duped by another person. If I can do something to rectify that I am more than happy to.

When someone tells you that they "aren't" something or that they "don't do" something many times they are trying to tell you not to look at the aspects of their life that will reveal they actually are. Often a person throws cues in their profiles or you will catch these phrases.

- I am not into Drama.
- I am all Woman
- I am not after a relationship

The "drama" reference is often the big one. You hear that a lot, but it always seems that person is often all fettered up in the middle of a giant fiasco where someone is at odds. As a matter of fact I had a conversation with someone who was an alt (Someone with a previous character) in Second Life  and some of the conversation revealed cues right away that made me think that this person wasn't all that interested in my well being. First,she talks about the fact that she just isn't about all the drama in SL and that in itself wasn't a red flag, but when I find out from someone else that she was involved with our group before and was an "alt" that flag started to wave. So, in my best judgement I could use I went ahead and unfriended her. I found out in a few short minutes she realized this. she was talking to someone else about it creating some reenactment of activities in a Junior High School Lunchroom. All she had to do was ask me and I would have been more than happy to tell her. Instead, she decides to go behind the scenes and stir things up. Talking to people that never needed to be involved in the first place. I was absolutely right in this situation.

There is another one that is important to watch for. Second Life is a place where people have the opportunity to experiment with things or lifestyles that they may not really be involved in at the Real Life level. Many people will play with Alternate Lifestyles and most often have no large amount of modern day experience if any at all.  Often you will get people that advertise a lot of information about the fact that they are a Dominant or Submissive when in fact they don't really have a ton of experience in the area. I have found with the real people less seems to be more in the way they discuss or advertise it. Remember, just because someone has Dominant or Alpha or Submissive or Bottom in their profile doesn't mean they understand what they will be doing to you emotionally if they take things too far. I have found that most of the most genuine in this lifestyle do very little advertising of it in their profiles. Often they are the most unassuming people regardless of their desire for the Top or Bottom in the D/s spectrum.

Cue words like "I am a submissive but I am no doormat" will probably reveal one of two things. The first is they have been hurt before and you are probably on the verge of being  held responsible for what someone else did. The other is that they will use their position to control the relationship at some point 9also referred to as "Topping from the Bottom"). Is everyone going to be like that? Probably not, but it's a strong possibility.

I am not trying to turn everyone in Second Life into cynics, but I do want people to be aware that some people are in this as a game and they are merely trying to play a very convincing role. I posted an article on that subject called "The Tale of Two Peoples". It will give you insight on the two different types of people in Second Life and the goals they both have. Not everyone in SL is out to hurt you, but it's much easier to hurt people here because there are fewer cues or warning signs you have to rely on. As the old saying goes, "Forewarned is Forearmed".

I would be more than happy to discuss these concepts with anyone. I love for these articles to be viable talking points for starting dialog on important subjects. My desire is to make Second Life a safer environment for everyone and easier to operate in for new people to the realm. I look forward to hearing from you.

Be careful out there!

- Stone

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

I've never been much of a shopper in real life and expected the same in Second Life. At first, that's exactly what occurred, but then a funny thing happened....everything looked good on Alatrina and I mean EVERYTHING. I found myself shopping more and more in Second Life.

That's not to say I quit shopping in real life because after meeting Stone, I found I was also shopping more and more in real life. I really want to look my best for him, but I have always struggled with shopping. Like Al, I have a terrible time imagining an outfit together and god, if you ask me what shoes I should wear, I'm like a deer in the headlights. You can see this in the way I pack for a vacation. 

My sister works very carefully with me, matching this shirt with that pair of pants and let me tell you...that's exactly how I pack; one pair of pants with the shirts that match on top before the next pair of pants. Works really well until you do laundry and then...Uh-Oh! There I stood in Stones closet, eyes watering and lip quivering as I stared at my clothes hanging neatly ...all the pants here...all the shirts there, desperately thinking...what did my sister say went with what?

Thankfully, Stone is very patient; waiting for me to come up with an outfit, helping if I ask for it. A few times I came into the room holding several pairs of shoes with that "help me" look on my face. I admire him and others like him who just seems to know what goes with what. It must be something you're born with and I missed out on the "matching" gene. In Second Life, I, thankfully have people like Stone and my friend Kass who are quite gifted and possess an extraordinary amount of patience where my dressing is concerned.

I was asked by one designer in Second Life whether I was color blind. I had to say no, I just see colors at their very basic. I can't tell you how many times I've described a color to have someone correct me..."purple"...no, that's "violet"..."green"...no, that's "teal"..."red"...no, that's "burgundy". Don't get me wrong, I can get out "light blue" and "dark green" and even "pink" but beyond those simple methods of classifying colors, I'm lost.

As my sister and I shopped in anticipation of Stone's visit in January, I found myself very dissatisfied over everything I tried on and then, standing in the middle of the store...a revelation...what if I'm competing with Al? It was a natural progression from the time Gabs and I were shopping in Las Vegas...she would say "this would look great on Gabs" while I was responding "this would look great on Al"

Stone tells me he see's Al in me...in my mouth and eyes. I don't remember intentionally giving her my physical attributes but I sure wish it worked the other way around! I read on someone's profile that the challenge is to make our Avi's look like us but they also questioned whether the real challenge to look like them. 

So....do we set ourselves up for disappointment by designing our Avi's as we do?

*Note: if you're interested in a new wrinkle free way of packing, watch this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--ZrYtRjYfs) and give it a try....you'll be a convert. To accommodate my missing "matching" gene, I use a hybrid of bundle packing but it is still highly effective.